Off -White Painted Walls and a Question Mark

7:31:00 AM

When I am in my bedroom it is sort-of like my sanctuary. I can turn my music up and it is like I am seeing sounds. I am drenching my thoughts down on paper and sometimes just thinking as I look at my off-white painted walls.

Sometimes I wish I am able to breathe fresh air and a place to rest my head. Sometimes it is my room but that is a question mark because all I need is him to make me feel as though time has stopped.

To me, my heart is like target practice because everyone has had a piece of it and broken it off until it is just a ghost in an empty shell. Then, I come home and return to those off-white walls of my bedroom thinking…again.

I look around this room and see nothing but material things which make these off-white walls have some lively color. Breathing the empty air I lived all my life it is not really such a natural thing, it is more like something that just happened.

I look at the scenery of the pictures on these off-white walls as I play some distracting music which makes me think. What possibility that my room is not a sanctuary but yet a place of no choice. No freedom but freedom to do as you please within these walls. Think about it…Do I leave? Do I stay? Do I go? It makes no sense. This so-called life behind these off-white painted walls is nothing but a question mark of confusing pain unless he is here to stay for a while.

Here I am again. Sitting here as I look at the off-white painted walls in my bedroom writing. Here is a new song…written by me and simply generated by thought on a simple keyboard. For him…the one I love. He knows the drenching thoughts running through my veins.

Behind these walls it is like I am here in this world….to myself. I am still looking for a way out ever since then. All these cried tears and broken pieces bruises and scars, you have no ideal. I hide it from the world and keep in inside until it is written down.

Behind these off-white walls he took what used to be a frozen shell of a heart and made it worth beating…at least. My heart can be in a thousand of pieces as blood rushes through my body. When I come home to these off-white painted walls in my bedroom I leave my heart behind for him to take care of because he can keep it safer better than me.

Here I go again. Am I heading for disaster or forgetting what I know? Am I afraid to let go of these off-white painted walls. Rewind…Start Over. Is this what I wanted of a sort-of sanctuary unreal? Give me something to believe in without this wondering question mark. I am holding on to something deeper…you!

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